Intimacy is a state of being, and feeling that is experienced when we feel close, connected to, and supported by another person. When you have an intimate relationship with someone, it means there is an openness, and you are able to share your thoughts, feelings and experiences. It is achieved when we are reassured that we are accepted, even loved, for who we are. As children, it can be experienced with parents and peers. As adults it can include relationships with friends and family, as well as romantic partners.
When we develop feelings of bonding and closeness with another person, it helps fulfill a natural human need and desire for communication and connection. Such relationships are more satisfying, and make us physically and mentally healthier. The American Psychiatric Association has linked intimacy to lower risk for chronic illness and premature death, and it is also known to help combat loneliness and manage stress better.
When we think of “intimacy” in a relationship, most people think of a romantic, sexual relationship. However, there are different types of intimacy besides that. Consider how you might hear a dinner among friends being described as an “intimate” dinner. It simply means that it was a dinner among people who share close friendships, where they know one another at an open, accepting comfort level.
When different types of intimacy are described, there are some slight variations, but they all generally come down to these categories, even if labeled differently:
Intellectual intimacy is a bond developed through exchanging ideas or having deep, meaningful conversations. The intimate aspect of it is that you can share opinions, question, solve problems and even disagree with someone else, and still maintain a closeness and respect with the other person. Think about a time when you stayed up late talking with someone and the connection you felt in sharing that conversation together.
Experiential intimacy is created by spending quality time together and sharing activities, interests or experiences. It could be playing a sport together, watching a movie or taking a road trip, and sharing that experience with another person. It could also be going through a crisis of some kind, such as an emergency or natural disaster.
Emotional intimacy is the kind of connection or bond with another person that allows you to talk to them about very personal things, and feel safe in doing so. It’s the kind of bond where you can completely be yourself, and let your guard down without worrying about being judged. Emotional intimacy is a vital component of any close relationship, but is especially necessary in a romantic relationship.
Physical intimacy is about physical touch and closeness. A relationship doesn’t have to be romantic or sexual to have physical intimacy, such as when you give a hug to a friend. It’s part of human nature to not only want, but also need some form of physical touch from another person.
Sexual intimacy is an expression of physical intimacy that can only occur when two people are already emotionally connected. It is possible to have sex without intimacy however, a true connection of sexual intimacy brings the added benefits of improved mental health, reduced stress and increased self-esteem.
Intellectual and experiential relationships don’t necessarily require intimacy to be rewarding, but intimacy is essential to emotional and sexual relationships.
Regardless of the type, developing intimacy in a relationship, be it friend, family or partner, requires some key things:
Intimacy requires that you accept the other person for who they truly are, and that they do the same for you. You may have tastes or preferences for certain things that you worry might be seen as “weird”, but once that isn’t a concern any longer, you know you’ve established some intimacy.
Honesty and intimacy feed one another, and goes hand-in-hand with acceptance. You have to feel comfortable in expressing your thoughts and feelings in an honest, respectful way.
Compassion is truly caring about another person’s well-being, and being there for them when they need you. It also means showing forgiveness and understanding when it’s needed. It’s showing that you value the relationship above any obstacles, mistakes or challenges.
Affection is a way of showing that you care. It can be a kiss between lovers, or a hug between a parent and child, or not physical at all. It can be showing up and helping your friend out with something, simply because you care.
Probably the single most important factor in developing intimacy, of any kind, in a relationship is communication. It is a part of all the other factors, and on its own, requires both expressing and listening between the people involved. And it is vital to communicate in a timely manner – to not let things go by that are, or can be, a potential source of conflict and misunderstanding.
Sexual intimacy comes from a close and unique bond, both physically and emotionally, between the partners. It provides a strong and familiar relationship that has grown and evolved, based on the gradual increase in trust and self-disclosure. In a sexual relationship, it is important to be able to share a broad range of emotions with a partner. Not doing so can create feelings of loneliness and isolation, regardless of how good the sex is. It is also important to remember that a sexual relationship can include many forms of physical contact as ways to share love and affection without sex. Touching, holding hands, kissing, and hugging are all good physical reinforcements for sexual intimacy.
All of the ways to improve sexual intimacy are based on, and require one thing above all – communication. Communication is at the heart of sexual intimacy. When relationships first began, they can survive on lust. However, even in healthy relationships, it is normal for passion to subside. When partners are able to talk openly, without inhibitions about sharing concerns and expressing needs, the connection can become even deeper, and the relationship more fulfilling.
There must be a solid emotional foundation in the relationship, as the desire for intimacy comes, in part, from an emotional state. Paying attention and showing a genuine interest in your partner helps strengthen an emotional connection. Also not only listening to each other, but also recognizing when your partner is not in the mood for conversation, and being comfortable with each other in silence.
Physical touching and closeness doesn’t always have to lead to sex, so be mindful and intentional of initiating it often. Flirt with your partner, and respond when your partner initiates touching and physical closeness with you.
There is always something new to learn about your partner, and you should be able to accept and acknowledge without judgement when they are open and vulnerable with you. Be open to exploring new sexual desires, ideas and fantasies, and love without reservation.
Whether it’s scheduling date nights or having your own secret love language and signals, sexual intimacy increases when you dedicate time and attention to sex. There are always going to be things that get in the way, but by making it as important as anything else in your busy life, your bond will become stronger.
Reminiscing about times and places you’ve enjoyed sex in the past can create excitement all over again. Talk about your stories together, be specific and have fun doing it.
